Reposted with kind permission by @gwenkkelly
I can’t believe I have to say this yet again, but:
If you are in a privileged group (including but not limited to: white, male, cisgender, high socioeconomic status, etc.) and someone from a less privileged group lets you know that you have said or done something that is exclusionary toward them, please follow these steps.
– Understand that it is not your intentions that matter. It’s very easy to do harm accidentally, and yet the harm is still done. If you accidentally rear-end someone, their bumper still gets dented.
– Understand also that being a good person doesn’t exempt you from responsibility for the harm you do. If an extremely good person rear-ends someone, their bumper still gets dented. No, people wouldn’t feel differently if they knew where you were coming from, “knew your heart,” knew how many Black friends you had, etc. Don’t even go there.
– Apologize. A real apology. Not “I’m sorry you were offended” but “I’m sorry I spoke/acted/responded in a harmful way.”
– Thank the person for letting you know. They took a big risk confronting you, knowing how defensive people can sometimes be.
– Fix it if you can.
– If this is happening in an online forum, don’t delete your post/comment or the criticism of it unless you are asked to do so by the people you have harmed. “Dirty deleting” mostly serves to make you feel better and undermines the emotional labor others have done to try to help remedy the harm you did.
– Don’t default to DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and oppressor). So many people who find themselves in this situation end up complaining that they are the ones who were viciously attacked! This pumps the drama of the situation way up and makes you look like an absolute fool. Resist the temptation.
– If you have handled the situation responsibly by following these instructions, you probably feel pretty awful. This awful feeling serves a really useful purpose, which is reminding you not to make the same mistake again in the future. Feel that feeling. Then move on from it in a way that doesn’t hurt others. Go for a walk, do a crossword puzzle, have a cup of tea. Gradually that feeling will fade.
– Know that it gets easier. This process takes practice. Over time you can learn to take correction gracefully and have less of an emotional reaction to it. You will learn a lot, too.
