For decades, I did not know what emotions, or feelings, or physical reactions do to a person.
Sure, theoretically, I knew, and I’d see it around me. But I didn’t experience any of it.
I just didn’t. I had managed to block all of that. It didn’t affect me.
Learning to undo that is hard.
It’s like opening a valve again, but you don’t know what will come out, when it will, and how much of it will, or how it’ll smell.
In the past, I had closed off that valve so absolutely, and had multiple safety devices around it, so nothing could faze me. Not knowing any better, people praised me left and right, for my composure.
I am learning to accept that when I want to be able to accept some feelings, I’ve also got to let other feelings happen, and that’s fun, but hard, but painful, but scary. All at once.
Today,, a seemingly minor thing happened, but it completely sent my body into high stress mode, I seized up, and that got to me, and results were very noticeable by those arounde.
I tried to not break down completely, and I nearly did, but I didn’t want to repress what was happening, and needed to happen, obviously. which made it harder.
(For reference: trying to keep your 🤮 in).
I am grateful that I was with someone I feel safe with, when this happened. I don’t know how I’d have reacted of there wasn’t anyone.
Tomorrow will be better.
