You’ll all have seen this photograph (taken by antonioguillemphoto who staged infidelity in a playful manner) in a meme variation.
I too have a story to go with this photo, but probably not in the way you’d expect.
When I still desperately pretended to be just a nerdy aloof boy with pretty hair as redeeming quality, I had a few relationships with wonderful women.
The topic that is depicted literally played out a few times. Not infidelity, but the act of looking at women.
And I couldn’t and wouldn’t defend myself out of those painful discussions, lest I come clean and tell my partner I am actually not happy pretending to be a boy. I’d rather spontaneously burst in flames and die on the spot.
Even if there was literally nothing that I wanted to do more on this planet, in this life.
Finally claiming my spot.. “Hey darling, I want to tell you something that’s been hurting me for decades now. I’m actually a woman.”
Just thinking of the terrible knots I twisted myself in to not have to do that, make me relive that pain today.
Why did I look at women, when I had an amazing woman right next to me?!?!
Our cishetnormative society explains this as “well, the guy obviously wants that other woman (instead)”. “*Do* that woman”, as society so misogynously tends to describe this.
That was never the case with me.
I wishfully and wistfully looked at women. Because I desperately wished I could *be* that woman.
Be that woman, any woman, me, a woman “just being a woman, carelessly and effortlessly doing woman things”, right next to my partner. Happy and fulfilled.
To all the amazing women I stood next to for a shorter or longer moment, or couldn’t even, because I felt too threatened by possibly needing to confess up, as you vibed with me in a different way that would inevitably lead to me needing to confess up…
The love was real. Every time. Even if it wasn’t enough for you, it was all I had, and I gave you everything I had.
I am sorry I didn’t feel safe enough with you, or too threatened by you, to share with you my deepest feelings.
I am sorry that I couldn’t stop torturing myself, and in the process ended up hurting you, and us.
I’m sorry, darling.
