TW: food, weight, weight loss, stress, body image
This post is not about weight or weight change, but rather about the relationship that stress and food seem to play in my life.
When I reached maturity, while still desperately pretending to be a guy, I stopped growing at 1.81m (6′), and I weighed about 75kg (165lb).
Gender dysphoria had been overwhelming me for over a decade by then, and so was the accompanying stress.
My diet had changed to mostly carbs & sugars (I jokingly refer to that time’s circle of 5 being bread, crunchy muesli, potato, pasta & chocolate). It stayed that way for the next 2 decades.
Because I mistreated my body particularly “well” (all work no play, no relax) while having a physically & mentally taxing job, my inhaling 5000kcal each day didn’t result in the weight gain that amount of food could have caused.
Fast forward to 2016, when I finally – and abruptly – managed to accept myself as a woman, I weighed just over 90kg (200lb).
In the years in between, I had tried to lose weight, do portion control, be more body-conscious, look at the numbers in the scale and will them down, but nothing helped.
I had to fill up and carry on. Until the next refill. Numb.
In 2016, as I accepted myself, I literally started dropping weight.
Because stress levels dropped even faster.
That family size bag of m&ms was now a few cauliflower florets and a slice of cheese.
Because it was allowed to be.
Because I was allowed to be.
I didn’t even try, but my weight dropped but about 20kg (45lb) in the next 2 months, without even trying.
I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, and the amount I wanted. “want” ≈ “what I felt my body needed”
Then came 2022, and stress started spiking while it was only a 2-4kg weigh gain, I noticed how stress was the cause, and that no matter what I tried, the stress and weight stayed.
All of 2023 was about looking for ways to lower the stress, and find out why and how the stress was even caused, how to address and process that, deal with that.
And like in 2016, all of a sudden, things started “clicking”, and stress dropped, like a veil that was lifted.
And like clockwork, weight dropped as well, back to (a new) steady state.
