Recently, I ended up being subjected to the “I wish you would have told me sooner” talk for the first time. It left me quite devastated for a few days.
We had met on a dating app a week earlier (she found me), had three amazing and amazingly long phone talks, during the third I told her, we talked for a few hours more, continued chatting next days, and a few days later we met in-person. Lack of an in-person “click” made us choose to not discover more.
Some time later, with another woman, the same “I wish you would have told me sooner” came up during a phone call, and that was basically “it”.
Two different situations, with the same conversation that luckily didn’t have the same outcome, but the fact that it was a discussion to begin with, hurts me in my essence of being Laura.
And it feels like such an unfair burden.
I asked the second person: “would you say the same to a person who’s had a hysterectomy but didn’t share it immediately?” (no she wouldn’t have) to see if it matters if something that personal needs to be shared up front in her opinion.
Share it on a dating profile if that is how you meet?
You are bound to attract exactly the people you might not want to meet at all, because you have just explicitly fetishised yourself. In real life you’d not do that, would you? Then why should you, on a dating profile?! (Wanting to leave room for people who actually read past it, as it is not a discriminator for them).
Tell it immediately?
It probably hijacks the conversation, rather than stay with the “getting to know one another”. (Again, wanting to leave room for people who actually read past it, as it is not a discriminator for them).
Tell it too late?
Chances are the other will feel betrayed and led on, because they feel you kept something from them. (Again, wanting to leave room for people who actually read past it, as it is not a discriminator for them, in which case “too late” doesn’t exist).
Don’t tell it at all?
Society makes you feel like you “hiding” something like that is judged to be tantamount to lying.(Again, wanting to leave room for people who actually read past it, as it not a discriminator for them, in which case “”too late” “not telling them” isn’t a deciding factor).
So, when is the right time to tell?!?!?
There just seems to be no right time to tell the other person, unless that person actually appreciates you unconditionally. In which case telling it or not telling doesn’t actually make a difference.
Is it actually even about “when to tell it?” at all, I wonder.
How much of society (still) being (mostly) cisnormative and cisheteronormative * comes into play in this confession?
Is it even a confession?!?! Should it even be a confession?!?!
* = cis- is the scientific term (Latin, mostly used in chemistry and geography) to explain “on this side of”, with its anonym being trans- “on the other side of”.
