TW: food, weight, weight loss, stress, body image
It’s about 7 years ago now that I realised something that I attributed as a nice side effect of my self acceptance.
In the first months since I learned to accept myself, obviously many things started changing psychologically and emotionally.
Like growing a spine, developing a sense of self (acceptance, worth, esteem, confidence, love, and care).
Physically too, but those were all subtle during those first months (not having shared this with anyone aside from my fiancee), like caring for my nails and cuticles.
When I left home at the end of August ’16, I weighed over 90kg (200lb+).
When I returned home mid October, I weighed 75kg, and over the next few months, I’d find a new steady state at 72/73kg (about 160lb), which I have had no issue whatsoever to maintain, without ever feeling like I was dieting, depriving myself, or even counting calories.
Previously, I had literally tried that, and tried to get back to 81kg (Dutch childhood rule of thumb ideal for 1.81m height), but since the motivation for that was external, I never ever managed to.
I am not actually focused on “weight as weight”, and especially not about weight loss, but at “what changed within me psychologically?” and being the objective observer (as a coping mechanism), I tend to measure and quantify.
So, what changed?!?!
Instead of inhaling all of the sugars and carbs for about 30 years, out of self spite, regret, resentment, and a dejected but pragmatic “just fill’er up!”,all of a sudden, I was able to (and interested in) actually caring for myself in a much healthier way, and that was, remarkably, easiest to do with food.
That family sized bag of M&M’s was quite literally replaced by a couple of broccoli florets and some dip. The half loaf of bread with an avocado. You get the idea, right?
This last year has been quite stressful, and lo and behold, carb loading became a thing again (but at only a fraction of the extent that happened prior to 2016).
Now that the internal side of stress is being tended to, and overall stress levels have dropped as a result, that need to carb load has gone again, and I instantly and as easily got back to that steady state I had found in 2016.
